CONFIRMEDENHANCED ×212This dossier has been in preparation since the morning of 15 March 1994, when two men in beige slacks and short-sleeved business shirts got out of a white Holden Commodore at the front gate of Boolaroo Downs, thirty-one hours after Beryl was taken, and asked to see the tape.
They did not say who they were. They had lanyards, but the lanyards were turned around. They did not say how they knew there was a tape. When I asked, the taller one said “we’re from the Bureau”, and when I asked which Bureau, the shorter one handed me a pamphlet about drought assistance and they left.
We were not in drought. I have said this before and I will keep saying it until someone explains the pamphlet.
1. Pattern of visitation
The Collective has logged every appearance of the Men in Beige in the Wandoona district since 1994. The pattern is consistent to a degree that Dr Faraday describes as “more reliable than the mail”.
| Trigger event | Delay before visit | Vehicle | Pamphlet left |
|---|---|---|---|
| Beryl taken, 14 Mar 1994 | 31 hours | White Commodore, VN | Drought assistance |
| Burnt Circle discovered, 1995 | 26 hours | White Commodore, VN | Soil salinity |
| Saucer nest at the Big Dam, 1996 | 22 hours | White Commodore, VS | Blue-green algae |
| Wandoona Lights, 1997 | 19 hours (visited the Royal) | White Commodore, VS | Responsible service of alcohol |
| Cheryl’s laundry window, 1999 | 24 hours | White Commodore, VT | Flyscreen maintenance |
| The Bovine Glyph, 2004 | 14 hours | White Commodore, VY | Grain storage hygiene |
| Orb in the kitchen, 2003 | 48 hours (Boxing Day) | White Commodore, VY | Christmas fire safety |
| Beam over the dam, 2008 anniversary | 27 hours | White Commodore, VE | Water allocation |
Twenty-seven visits in all. Always two of them. Always between 9 and 11 in the morning. Always a white Commodore, and always, this is the part that got Dr Faraday out of his chair, the current model. They have upgraded the car seven times in seventeen years. Whoever the Bureau is, it has a fleet budget.
2. Description of the subjects
Subject A (“the tall one”). Approximately 185 cm. Beige slacks, pleated. Short-sleeved business shirt, pale blue, with a pen in the pocket that he has never used. Lanyard, reversed. Does the talking. Says “we’re from the Bureau” and “we’d just like to have a look at the tape” and, once, in 2004, “lovely wheat”.
Subject B (“the short one”). Approximately 170 cm. Beige slacks, flat front. Short-sleeved business shirt, white. Lanyard, reversed. Carries the pamphlets in a plastic sleeve. Has never spoken in my presence except to say “cheers” when Noreen gave him a scone in 1999, which Noreen says proves he’s a person and I say proves he’s been trained.
Neither subject has visibly aged. Noreen says this is because “all public servants look like that from twenty-five to sixty”. Dr Faraday says it is because they are not public servants in the conventional sense. Cheryl says the short one “has Gary’s posture”, which she says about a lot of people.
3. The pamphlets
Exhibit A: pamphlet register (selected)
Forty-one pamphlets have been received since 1994 and are held in the Tupperware container, individually wrapped. Topics include: drought assistance (×6, never in drought); soil salinity (×3); blue-green algae (×2); responsible service of alcohol (×1, left at the Royal); flyscreen maintenance (×1, left with Cheryl); grain storage hygiene (×1); Christmas fire safety (×1); water allocation (×4); "Living With Wildlife" (×2); "Your Bore and You" (×1); and one, in 2006, titled "Coping With Change", which was left face down on the bonnet of the ute and which I have not been able to bring myself to open.
No pamphlet carries the name of an issuing department. Every one carries, on the back page, the same 1800 number, which connects to a recorded message about office hours and has done since 1994. The office hours have never changed. Neither has the voice.
4. Who they are: the theories
4.1 The Bureau of Meteorology
The original theory and still the most popular at the Royal. The number on the back of the first pamphlet was answered, once, in 1994, by a person who said “weather” before I was transferred. The Bureau of Meteorology is responsible for every official explanation in the Collective’s files (see Venus Is Not a Cow). It would make sense for them to collect the tapes.
Against: the Bureau of Meteorology, when I wrote to them, said they “do not operate a field visitation programme” and “do not own a Commodore”, and the letter was signed, which the pamphlets never are.
4.2 A Bureau within a Bureau
Dr Faraday’s position. There is the Bureau everyone knows, which does the weather, and inside it, behind a door, there is the Bureau, which does the Commodore. The weather is the cover. The pamphlets are real pamphlets, printed by real departments, collected by the inner Bureau precisely because they are untraceable. “Nobody,” says Dr Faraday, “suspects a pamphlet.”
Against: nothing. This is the Collective’s official position.
4.3 Pine Gap
Pine Gap Pete’s reading, received on a Keno slip in 2007: ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ liaison ▇▇▇▇▇▇ Alice ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ beige is the uniform ▇▇▇▇▇▇. The remainder of the slip was used for Keno.
4.4 Keith
Raised by Shane, who points out that Keith Rowbotham owns beige slacks, has been seen in a white car, and “has the energy”. Against: Keith is one man, and was at the Rationalist Society’s annual meeting (attendance: one) during the 2004 visit. Also, the Men in Beige have never once asked a question, and Keith does nothing else.
4.5 Noreen’s theory
A word from management
They are from the Department of Primary Industries, or whatever it's called this year. They do farm visits. Every farm in the district gets them. They came the day after Beryl because they came the day after everyone's, it was the March round. The pamphlets are the pamphlets they give everyone, I have the same ones from before 1994 in the office. The car is a fleet car. They don't age because Warren has only looked them in the eye twice. The short one's name is Graham and he is from Dalby and he liked the scone. — Noreen
The Collective has considered this theory and notes that it is exactly what the Bureau would want us to think.
5. Why this dossier is marked SUPPRESSED
In February 2010 the Collective received a letter, unsigned, no letterhead, on paper the exact colour of the slacks, asking that “material relating to departmental field staff” be removed from the website “in the interests of staff privacy”. The letter arrived twenty-six hours after Dossier 01 was first drafted, on a computer, in a foil-lined room, that had not yet been connected to anything.
We have not removed it. We have enlarged the photograph.
Appendix: protocol for a visit
- Do not open the gate. They will wait. They have time.
- Do not confirm the existence of the tape. Say “what tape”. Say it like you mean it.
- Accept the pamphlet. Do not read it. Wrap it. It is evidence.
- Note the model of Commodore. This is how we will eventually date them.
- If offered a scone by a family member, make a note of what they say. “Cheers” is the only word we have. We need more words.
- After they leave, check the camera on the fridge. Check the foil. Check the dogs.
- Set the alert level. It will be mauve.
Document ends. Beige is not a colour. Beige is a decision.
— Warren
Document U8MC-DOS-01. Status: SUPPRESSED. This file is retained indefinitely, or until the Men in Beige ask for it, whichever is never.