1. Foil
Heavy duty only. The thin stuff from the servo tears at the crown and, in Dr Faraday's testing, "lets through about 40% of the suggestion". Fold twice, shiny side out (they navigate by reflection), and crimp behind the ears. A hat should be replaced after each storm, each Tuesday, and each time it is used for a roast, which the Collective asks households to stop doing.
Foil also works on cattle, in principle. In practice a cow will eat a hat, and the Collective's 2011 trial of foil-wrapped ear tags was discontinued after the herd "started hearing the ABC".
2. The Faraday paddock
Dr Faraday's flagship countermeasure: a 40-metre square of standard cattle fencing with heavy-duty foil threaded through every second wire, earthed to the bore casing. Theory: the craft's beam cannot acquire a target inside a grounded conductive perimeter. Status: under construction since 2009. Cost to date: $4,100 in foil (see management's column). Cattle protected to date: zero, because Noreen will not let the good cows in it "until it's finished", and it will not be finished "until the foil stops blowing into the dam".
3. Decoy cattle
A plywood cow, painted, placed in the most exposed corner of the Top Paddock. The theory is that a craft will lift the decoy, discover the deception, and move on in embarrassment. The Collective has lost four decoys since 1998. Dr Faraday counts this as four successes. Noreen counts four westerlies.
4. Bring them in at dusk
The single most effective measure. Yard the herd under a roof, a tree line or a shed before dark. Cattle under cover have never been taken from Boolaroo Downs. Cattle in the open have been taken once, which is once more than acceptable.
5. The Tuesday protocol
- Attend the support group (CWA hall, 7 pm). Safety in numbers, and the beings are known to avoid the CWA.
- Return home before 1 am. Close the laundry window. Yes, they come through it anyway, but it is "the principle".
- Leave a note on the fridge stating your name, address and preferred house to be returned to.
- Sleep in socks. Cheryl reports you are "less likely to be chosen if they can't see your feet".
6. When the Men in Beige knock
They will arrive within 24 hours of any sighting, in a white Commodore, in pairs. Protocol:
- Do not give them the tape. There is no circumstance in which the tape is given. If you do not have a tape, do not say so; it confuses them and they leave a second pamphlet.
- Accept the pamphlet. It is evidence. The Collective has 31 and would like a complete set.
- Photograph the car. Note the plates. The plates will not be readable; note them anyway.
- Do not offer tea. One of them will accept, and then you have a man in beige in your kitchen for forty minutes talking about pasture.
- Ask them which Bureau. Record the pause.
7. If you are taken
You will wake unable to move, in blue light, with three of them at the end of the bed. The Collective's guidance, drawn from 47 (48) first-hand accounts:
- Stay calm. You will be returned. Probably to your own house.
- Ask for a manager. You will not get one, but Cheryl believes "it goes on your file".
- Note the temperature of the probe (cold) and report whether it varied (it did not). This is for the register.
- Do not accept a roster. Graeme T. accepted a roster and lost eleven days to rock sorting.
- If a Tall Grey with a clipboard is present, ask if he is Gary. If he pauses, he is Gary. Tell him Jaxon is twenty-four.
- On return, check which house you are in before putting the kettle on.
8. Hybrid parenting
Children of the programme are tall, healthy, good with computers and will, in time, ask you to stop talking about them on the internet. The Collective recommends you talk about them on the internet anyway. It is how they will know who they are. Keep a height chart. Keep the Polaroid. Keep the kettle on in case Gary calls.
9. Things that do not work
Crystals. Prayer (the beings "seem to be Anglican, if anything"). Garlic. Locking the laundry window. Writing to the Bureau. Writing to the other Bureau. Keith's advice, which is "go to bed".
A word from management
Bringing the cattle in at dusk is good husbandry and I have no objection to it. The rest of this page has cost us a plywood cow a year, the good roasting foil and most of the bore's earth stake. Sleeping in socks is fine. It gets cold.