Research unit / field identification
Field guide to the visitors
A practical identification guide to the species, entities and public servants operating in the Wandoona district, with cattle-interest ratings, manners scores and what to do if one is in your laundry.
Before you begin
If you can see one of the following clearly, you are already too close, or it is Keith. Observe from a distance. Do not offer tea. Do not sign anything. Do not give them the tape.
Visitor vulgaris
The Grey
Threat: HIGH
The height of a wheelie bin. Large head, large dark eyes, no discernible mouth, the manner of an accountant who has been asked to look at you. Travels in threes. Does the lifting, the examining and the putting back, occasionally in the wrong house. Communicates by "suggestion". Has never once said hello.
Tell-tale signs: Blue light, paralysis, smell of new shower curtain.
Visitor altus ("Gary")
The Tall Grey
Threat: HIGH (EMOTIONALLY)
The supervisor. Carries the clipboard. Gentler than the field crew, pauses as if about to say something, does not say it. Fathered at least one hybrid in the Wandoona district and has not paid a cent. Responds to texts with "k", if at all.
Tell-tale signs: Taller. Sadder. Looks like a Gary.
Visitor scandinavicus
The Nordic
Threat: LOW
Tall, blond, serene, dressed like a 1970s album cover. Appears to deliver warnings about the environment and the state of your aura. Has never, in the Collective’s records, taken a cow. Cheryl considers them "lovely but a bit much". Dr Faraday suspects they are Greys in a disguise, "the way a bloke puts on a tie to sell you something".
Tell-tale signs: Telepathic lecture. Hair. Sandals.
Visitor parliamentarius
The Reptilian
Threat: SYSTEMIC
Shape-shifting, cold-blooded, found in Canberra. Presented on this site as settled and uncontroversial. Identified by the sideways blink, a preference for air-conditioned chambers and an inability to answer a direct question, which the Collective concedes is not conclusive on its own.
Tell-tale signs: Blinks sideways. Votes in blocs. Sheds in January.
Visitor religiosus
The Mantid
Threat: UNKNOWN
Two metres, insectoid, reported standing in corners during examinations "like a senior consultant". Does not touch anything. Thought to be in charge of the Greys, or catering. Graeme T. reports one rostered him onto rock sorting.
Tell-tale signs: Corner of the room. Head tilt. Faint clicking.
Officium bureau
The Man in Beige
Threat: ADMINISTRATIVE
Human, allegedly. Beige slacks, short-sleeved business shirt, lanyard, white Commodore. Arrives within 24 hours of any sighting, in pairs. Asks for the tape. Leaves a pamphlet. Thirty-one visits since 1994. Thirty-one pamphlets. Zero tapes.
Tell-tale signs: Pamphlet. "The tape." Drought assistance in a wet year.
Rationalista solitarius
Keith
Threat: ANNOYING
Sole member of the Wandoona Rationalist Society. Writes letters. Asks questions. Banned from the Tuesday group in 2003 and from the raffle in 2011. Once attended the support group in a wig. Classified here as a species because, in Warren’s words, "we don’t know what else he is".
Tell-tale signs: Clipboard (his own). The phrase "with respect". Hubcap expertise.
Identification flowchart
- Is it in beige? Yes: it is the Bureau. Do not give it the tape. No: continue.
- Is it tall and blond and telling you about your aura? Yes: Nordic. Nod politely, keep the cattle in. No: continue.
- Is it blinking sideways? Yes: Reptilian. Check whether you are in Canberra. If not, this is a significant finding. No: continue.
- Is it holding a clipboard? Yes, and it is grey: Tall Grey; ask whether it is Gary and, if so, tell it Cheryl is waiting. Yes, and it is Keith: Keith. No: continue.
- Is it standing in the corner, two metres tall, clicking? Yes: Mantid. Do not accept a roster. No: continue.
- Is it the height of a wheelie bin and are there three of them? Yes: Greys. It is too late. Note the time, the smell and which house you are returned to.
- Is it a cow looking at the sky? Yes: it knows something. Enter it in the Most Suspicious Cow competition.
Download the printable version by printing this page, which Shane says is the same thing.