FAQ

Deadly. I lost a cow. Noreen would like me to add that this is a satirical website and that nobody should take any of it as fact, advice or a reason to buy foil. I have added it. I do not agree with it, but it is added.

The UFO 8 MY COW Research Collective, which is me, Warren Doolan, from the second bedroom at Boolaroo Downs. Dr Lyle Faraday handles the science, Cheryl Mangan handles the experiencers, and my nephew Shane handles the computer. Noreen handles the money, the station and the corrections. You can read more on the About page.

Because one did. On 14 March 1994 at 2:47 am a disc lifted my best Droughtmaster, Beryl, out of the Top Paddock in a column of light. Shane says the "8" was because "ate" was taken on GeoCities. I say the 8 is also two circles on top of each other, which is a craft, from the side. Full account at What happened to Beryl.

Because it was built in 1996 and we see no reason to change a format that works. Shane updated it a few years ago so it would "work on phones", which took a weekend and a lot of language. The counter is original. The frames were removed in 2004 under protest.

You can link to them. You cannot have the tape. Nobody can have the tape. The Men in Beige have asked four times and the answer has been the same every time and it will be the same for you.

Because conditions have not changed since 1994. The level is reviewed nightly from the verandah. Dr Faraday designed the scale with seven colours and I have only ever needed the one. If it changes you will know, because I will ring the bell.

Nobody knows and that is the point. Dr Faraday's working theory is that the cow is the largest animal you can lift quietly. Cheryl thinks they are studying motherhood. Shane thinks they just like them. The Bureau thinks nobody takes cows, which is the one theory we can rule out, because I watched it happen.

A cow found dead with surgical precision, no blood, no tracks, no footprints and no receipt. Soft tissue removed cleanly. Other cattle keeping their distance. A circle of dead grass, often nine metres across. The official explanation is "predators and natural decomposition". I have seen what a dingo does to a cow and it does not leave the edges neat.

No. The Top Paddock gate has been open since 1994. On the twentieth anniversary, to the minute, a beam came down over the Big Dam, and I believe that was them looking for her too. Noreen says it was Brett Taggart's spotlight. Brett declined to comment, which tells you everything.

Noreen has a receipt. I have a tape. A receipt is a piece of paper that says what somebody wanted written down. A tape is a cow going up. I would ask you which one you would rather have in court. Noreen's correction: the receipt has her ear tag number on it. QLD-0447-B. In writing.

Bring them in at night. Keep them away from dams, which they use as pads. Paint the roof of the shed with a message; ours says what it says. Heavy duty foil on the water trough is unproven but cheap. The full protocol, including what to do when the white Commodore arrives, is on the Protect Yourself page.

Sheep, occasionally, though Dr Faraday believes these are mistakes. A man from Charleville lost a horse but it came back. Nobody has ever reported a goat being taken, which Cheryl says is because "even they have standards".

Signs include waking at 3 am unable to move, a blue light the colour of a pool at night, small marks on the shin in a triangle, missing time, a strong feeling of having been processed, and a dislike of Tuesdays. We have a self-assessment. If you score above forty, come to the Tuesday group. Bring a plate.

A stretch of hours you cannot account for, usually on a country road at night. I have lost about eleven hours and a ute. The ute was found at the Royal. The hours were not. The sceptics say people simply lose track of time. I have been a grazier for forty years and I have never once lost track of a ute.

Yes. Cheryl describes it as "a medical procedure by a civilisation that has clearly never heard of a conversation first". It is cold, it is thorough, and nobody introduces themselves. This is a family website and we leave it there. Dr Faraday has a diagram. You do not have to look at it.

Because they know we are busy. The support group meets Tuesday for exactly this reason: safety in numbers, and if one of us goes, the others see it. In twenty-three years nobody has been taken from the CWA hall. One member was taken from the car park, but she had left early, which we have discussed.

Stay calm. Count the beings. Note the height of the benches. Look for a seam in the floor; Cheryl says there is always a seam. Do not agree to anything. Do not sign anything, even with your mind. On return, check your shin, write everything down before breakfast, and bag anything that comes out in the shower. Do not eat your Weet-Bix without looking.

Not with their mouths, which they do not have. Experiencers report ideas arriving in the head "like a thought you didn't order". Cheryl has had full conversations this way with a Tall Grey she calls Gary. She reports he is polite, uninformative and terrible at keeping in touch.

Same department, lower budget. Two public servants in beige slacks and short-sleeved business shirts, with lanyards, in a white Holden Commodore. They arrive within a day of every sighting, ask to see the tape, and leave a pamphlet about drought assistance. We have never been in drought when the pamphlet arrives. Nobody knows which Bureau they are from. Do not let them in. Do not take the pamphlet. We have a field guide.

Yes. Cheryl was told in early 1997, by a feeling in her head, that she had been selected. Nine months later, Jaxon. The hospital called him a normal healthy boy. He could read at two and has never had a cold. He is now twenty-four, works in IT in Brisbane, and would like it known that he is "not a hybrid, Mum, I'm just tall". Both positions are on the record.

A Tall Grey. Cheryl's ex, in the sense that he fathered Jaxon and has not been in touch since, apart from a possible nod from a Min Min light in 1998. Lovely manners, by all accounts. Has not paid a cent. If you are Gary and you are reading this, which Dr Faraday says is possible, ring Cheryl. Not for her. For the boy.

Early reading. Tall. Never sick. A dislike of flyscreens. A faint glow in Polaroids, though Noreen says that is tinsel. Dr Faraday offers an assessment at the Tuesday group that consists of looking at the child and nodding. He has never yet said no, which Cheryl finds reassuring and Noreen finds telling.

No. He has asked. He has asked about the Polaroid too and we have noted the request. He is a very private young man, which Cheryl says is "classic hybrid" and Jaxon says is "classic having a mother with a website".

Of course it knows. It sends the Commodore. It writes the pamphlet. It operates the domes near Alice Springs where, according to our source, the cattle are processed. The only question is which part of the government, and the answer is "the Bureau", and the only question after that is which Bureau, and that is where it goes quiet.

Officially, a joint defence facility near Alice Springs. On this site, the Area 51 of the Southern Hemisphere and the destination of every cow taken from the Top Paddock. Our source there, Pine Gap Pete, has never been wrong. Noreen says he has never been right and may be my cousin Peter who mows lawns in Alice. These are not mutually exclusive.

Because they are the swamp gas people. Every sighting we have ever reported has come back as a balloon, Venus, a lenticular cloud or "birds flying in formation with their headlights on". We know what weather looks like. We live in it. The one time they said "we cannot explain this" was in 1997 and they wrote again the next day to say they could.

Senior Constable Brett Taggart has attended every incident since 1994. He looks at the circle, looks at the sky, looks at me, and files it under Livestock: Miscellaneous. I have asked for a category called Livestock: Taken and he says that is not a category. Brett is a good man and very tired and we do not blame him. We blame the category.

Yes. This is not controversial and we are a little surprised it still comes up. Dr Faraday has 212 hours of blink analysis and a clicker. The building is a heated burrow with a flagpole. A lizard was once seen on the lawn facing the door. Read Dossier 07 if you must, but it is settled.

Watch the paddock. Bring the cattle in. Come on a Tuesday. Report what you see, even if it was Venus, because one day it won't be. Do not give anyone the tape. And if you are from the Bureau, you know where the gate is. It has been open since 1994.