ok so. uncle warren has asked me to write an opinion piece because the analytics say our “under 35 engagement” is “one person” and that person is me checking if the counter script is broken. (it isn’t. it’s cosmetic. it’s always been cosmetic. don’t tell him.)
so here is my opinion, as head of digital, aged 19, having built this website allegedly at age nine, which, i’ve been on this site a long time and i have thoughts.
the thoughts
everyone on this site has a theory about what They want. uncle warren thinks it’s cattle for pine gap. dr faraday thinks it’s him personally. cheryl thinks it’s a programme with a capital P and a bloke called gary at the top of it. keith thinks it’s nothing, and keith is banned, so.
here is mine: they don’t want anything. they’re just out here. they’ve got the craft, they’ve got the beam, they’ve got infinite time apparently, and they’re doing what anyone would do with a craft and a beam and infinite time, which is drive around at 3am looking at stuff and occasionally picking something up to see what it does.
that’s not a programme. that’s a servo run.
the evidence (lol)
think about it. look at the files. thirty years of data on this site and what’s the pattern?
- they take a cow. they bring the cow back. sometimes they don’t. there’s no consistency, which is what you’d expect if there’s no plan.
- they take cheryl 47 times and never once explain anything. that’s not an experiment, that’s a group chat they forgot to leave.
- they make a crop circle in hennessy’s wheat shaped like, according to dr faraday, “a cow, from above, worried.” bro. that’s a doodle. that’s a doodle that got out of hand.
- they hover over the royal for twenty minutes during the raffle and leave. they didn’t even enter.
- gary never calls. gary’s not running a programme. gary’s just a guy.
a civilisation with a plan does not clip the clothesline. a civilisation with a plan does not return cheryl to the wrong house. these are the actions of a group of mates with a vehicle.
honestly same
and like, i get it? i’ve driven to the servo at 2am for no reason. i’ve picked something up in bunnings and put it down in a different aisle. i’ve hovered over a group chat for twenty minutes and left without saying anything. if i had a saucer i would 100% go look at a cow with it. i wouldn’t do anything to the cow. i’d just look at it. and then i’d be like “cool” and go home.
that’s not sinister. that’s a tuesday.
what this means for the collective
nothing probably. uncle warren’s not going to change the alert level from mauve because i said the aliens are chill. but i think it would do everyone on here some good to consider that the universe might not be against us so much as not really paying attention, and that this is fine, and that beryl, wherever she is, is probably also just vibing.
anyway the website now has a dark mode, by which i mean it has always been dark, and i’ve fixed the footer on mobile. you’re welcome.
shane head of digital ufo8mycow.net, est 1996, “the fourth or fifth biggest of its kind”
Editor's note (Warren)
I have published this because the Collective believes in balance and because Shane has the password. I want it on the record that "vibing" is not a theory, that the cows are not a side quest, that the clothesline was a near miss not a joke, and that Shane has never been out at 2:47 am in the rain watching 540 kilograms of Reserve Champion go up a beam. When he has, he can write about Tuesdays. The counter is not cosmetic. — W.
Document U8MC-21-0503. Status: UNVERIFIED BUT TRUE. This file is retained indefinitely, or until the Men in Beige ask for it, whichever is never.