ok so it’s Shane, Uncle Warren has asked me to do the write-up of the Show because he is “too close to it” (he was a judge) and also because the last time he did it the post was 4,000 words and mostly about Beryl. this one is going to be about the actual comp. mostly.
background for new readers
the Most Suspicious Cow competition has run at the Wandoona Show every August since 1997. it was started by Uncle Warren, obviously, and the Show Society agreed to it on the condition that it be held “in the far pavilion” and “after the ute muster”, which is where it has stayed. the trophy is a small plastic cow painted silver and a voucher for the servo. the voucher is for $20 which hasn’t changed since 1997 so it’s gone down in real terms but nobody has raised it.
entries are open to any bovine in the district that the owner believes has been taken, returned, contacted, scanned, marked, observed, or is behaving in a manner consistent with knowing something.
judging criteria
judging is out of 100. the official criteria, as printed on the laminated sheet that lives in Uncle Warren’s ute:
| Criterion | Points | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Sky-watching | 25 | Frequency, duration and intensity of upward gaze. Looking at a bird is zero. Looking at nothing is full marks. |
| Unexplained marks | 20 | Triangles score highest. Brands, ticks and crush marks are “disputed” and go to the panel. |
| Herd avoidance | 15 | Does the rest of the mob stand away from her? Do they know? |
| Reaction to foil | 15 | A sheet of heavy duty foil is unrolled 3 m from the animal. Calm = suspicious. Flight = very suspicious. Approaching the foil = “possible operative”, 15 points and a separate conversation. |
| Missing time | 10 | Owner’s testimony re: nights the animal “wasn’t where she should have been”. |
| General demeanour | 15 | Vibe. |
the field
14 entries this year which is up from 9. a lot of people are saying it’s because of the drones but I think it’s because the servo voucher now also covers the pie warmer.
notable entries:
- Gladys (Hennessy) — a 3yo Droughtmaster heifer who, according to Terry’s eldest, has spent most of the winter standing in the top corner of the paddock looking straight up “like she’s waiting for a lift”. scored 24/25 on sky-watching. only lost a point because at one stage she looked at the judges, which the sheet says counts as “aware”, which is good, but not as good as “waiting”.
- Maureen II (Doolan) — our entry. daughter of the original Maureen from the Burnt Circle in ’95. Uncle Warren recused himself from scoring her and then scored her anyway and then recused himself again. she did ok on marks (a triangle, on the rump, same spot as her mother, which Uncle Warren calls “hereditary routing”) but walked straight up to the foil and licked it, which the panel ruled was “approaching” and then had a long argument about whether licking is the same as approaching or worse.
- Boris (Kowalski) — a bull. bulls are technically allowed. Boris stood very still and stared at Dr Faraday for the entire judging period and Dr Faraday gave him 15/15 for demeanour and then left the pavilion.
- Tina (the Kellys, from out past the bore) — arrived with a note from the Kellys’ youngest saying Tina “talks to her at night”. the panel awarded 10/10 for missing time on the basis of the note and the Show Society has asked that next year notes be signed by an adult.
the controversy
there were four judges: Uncle Warren, Dr Faraday, Cheryl, and a fourth judge who had put his name down as “R. Botham” and turned up in sunglasses and a hat.
it was Keith.
he got through the first six cows before Cheryl recognised his handwriting on the score sheet (he dots his i’s with little circles, she says this is “the same as last time”). he had given every cow 0/25 for sky-watching with the comment “cows look up” and 0/15 for reaction to foil with the comment “cows lick things”. his scores were struck out and he was escorted from the far pavilion by Senior Constable Taggart who was there for the ute muster and said this was “not a police matter” and did it anyway “to save time”.
Keith has lodged an appeal with the Show Society. the Show Society has said the competition is “not formally part of the Show” which is news to Uncle Warren after twenty years.
results
- Gladys (Hennessy) — 91/100. the first cow in the history of the competition to score above 90. the panel noted that at the moment the result was announced Gladys looked up. we were indoors.
- Boris (Kowalski) — 84. a strong result for a bull. Dr Faraday did not return for the presentation.
- Maureen II (Doolan) — 79, with 15 of those points under protest.
Gladys’s owner (Terry’s eldest) accepted the silver cow and the voucher and said in his speech that he “just thought she looked a bit off”, which Uncle Warren says is how it starts.
A word from management
Gladys has a crook neck. Terry's been meaning to get the vet out. Keith was wrong to sneak in but he was not wrong about the scoring. I would also note that the "foil test" uses our good foil and I have had to buy a second roll. — Noreen
anyway
twentieth year, biggest field ever, first 90+ score, and Gladys has been moved to the house paddock at the Hennessys’ “where she can be seen”. Uncle Warren wants it on the record that he predicted the Hennessys would have a Return Site “within the decade” and that it’s been twelve years since the glyph but “the decade is from when they started counting, not when we did”.
I have no idea what that means. Gladys might.
— Shane
Document U8MC-16-0106. Status: CONFIRMED. This file is retained indefinitely, or until the Men in Beige ask for it, whichever is never.